Happy Birthday to Me…40 is hard and beautiful

i have mixed feelings about today. it’s not a hard birthday because of my age. i don’t feel old. i don’t even feel moderately old. there are parts of me that are definitely aging…lol…but i don’t feel old. i certainly don’t feel old enough to have a 19 year old son and 15 year old daughter. i don’t feel old enough to actually be 40 either. 40 years. omg…where have those years gone?

today’s not difficult because of the number 40. today’s a tad difficult for what it represents. realistically speaking as of today my life is half over. half. over. like i’ve just (please excuse my non-politically correct and non-lady like language) like i’ve just fucked away half of my life. 25% of that time was probably spent doing something good or fun or productive…so ok…i just fucked away 25% of my life.

today i’m 40 and what have i done of value? what have i actually accomplished? what am i proud of? can i say that i’ve really lived?

i tell you…when i was younger i never looked at 40 as old but i did look at it as an age where i would have things figured out. i certainly thought that i wouldn’t still be struggling financially. i thought i would feel more accomplished at 40. i thought that i would feel wiser at 40. i thought i would have accomplished more by 40. i thought i would be more well travelled. i thought i’d have my life together. i thought i would be married…and i certainly didn’t think that i’d be a divorced single mother. i thought i would have an established career, one with a retirement plan. i thought my fear of failure would have disappeared by now.  i thought a lot of things.

i. thought. a. lot. of. things. and so today is hard because i’m 40 and i have to acknowledge and accept the fact that i don’t have it all together. i don’t have it figured out. i am not more accomplished. i haven’t been to italy and france and all those other places i said i would visit. i’m not married. my career isn’t exactly established and i certainly don’t have a retirement plan. i still live month to month and stress about taking care of my family financially. my fear of failure with age has become more significant as the stakes have risen.

40 is different than i thought.

40 is hard but it’s also beautiful.

40 is beautiful because i am alive. 40 is beautiful because i own my own business and do something that i am passionate about. 40 is beautiful because i have two amazing children who love me and my flaws. 40 is beautiful because i have laugh lines that are so deep around my mouth…because i’ve been laughing so big for 40 years. 40 is beautiful because my eyes are still shining and twinkling…probably because i’m scheming up something. 40 is beautiful because i am wise enough to know that i don’t know anything. 40 is beautiful because the sunshine is a little more beautiful today and life is a little more precious.  40 is beautiful because i feel more deeply. 40 is beautiful because even though it is snowing right now (and i hate the snow) i can look at it and see beauty. 40 is beautiful because i love and have been loved for 40 years.

i am launching my new brand and website in the next few weeks and i needed new photos of me. so…i called my lovely and fiercely talented photographer friend ali caudill and asked her to please take my photos. these are from yesterday…and they were a little bit of a birthday present to me. i needed a reminder that 40 is beautiful. thank you so much ali!!! i’m in love with them. thank you also to kristen at go go gorgeous who did my hair and makeup.